Anonymous asked: Gorum jalebi kothay pabo??
Admit it, when you watch a movie alone the dirty scene always comes up when your parents walk into the room. It’s horrible to watch your dad folds his hand on his chest and gives that what the…face.
or if your mom walks in the room…
I’m here to talk about all the awkward moments you have with desi parents and if you have desi parents, trust me I know how it feels like. Sometimes just sometimes I feel like running away and live in a box underneath the Brooklyn bridge…but why don’t I accomplish that goal? I always come back for my mom’s dhal and roti and my dad’s legendary lassi.
Awkward moment # 1: The ultimate showdown of foreign cursing against drivers.
So my dad will be driving you know listening to his songs on highest volume ever so the whole world will know what I’m listening to. Then this teenage driver will come in cut lanes in front of my dad and then zoom across him and at the same time listening to Lil Wayne’s How to Love. First reaction? OYE! EY KANKI BALL GARI SAALTI PARA NA!
Translation: This whore doesn’t know how to drive.
Second reaction; takes out his Bata sandals and say ” ALLAH EYE CHELE GARI SAALATI PARA NA, DHARA AMI DEKTEKSI
Translation: This kid don’t know shit, I’m going to teach him a good lesson.
What do I do? Yeah slide in the front seat in shame.
and my reaction:
Another awkward moment: You ask about the price and then leave the store.
Sometimes our desi parents forget the fact they are in America and decide to you know try bargain clothes and I will be just standing there and say “Dad I’ll pay the other 50 cent for you.”
Example: Le me and le dad walking to Macy’s, see’s Calvin Klein shirts “Buy one Get one 50% off”
Dammit, I need walk away just walk away
My dad’s reaction:
Well folks this is what I can write down for now, I mean of course there is a million and one other things that happen in my life that are awkward but hey, I need to go porar leka now.
Porar leka: Translation: Study.
Just because I’m Bengali does not mean my culture revolves around rotis and Shahrukh Khan.
Every single nationality is made fun of, now don’t act like as if you never said something rude to another culture.
Because I know you did
Us Brown people get made fun of alot and for many, many reasons, for our clothes, music, food, basically just for being us but hey how’s the world going to be interesting if everyone was yellow, small, wears glasses and blue overalls all day? It won’t be fun, its like meeting the minions every single day from Despicable Me.
I think some of these sound very familiar…
OMG YOU SMELL LIKE CURRY!
…Did you like sprayed yourself with curry before you came here?
Hey I love your turban (Sarcastic)
So like how many times a day you eat roti again?
Your parents met on their wedding? HUH?!!
Hey do you understand English?
Oh My God Becky Look At That Turban. Ew.
So you like sit around all day at home and study?
Be sure to invite me to your arranged marriage!
Hey, can teach me how to “Balle Balle” and the “Screw the Light Bulb Dance” oh and don’t forget to teach me how to “Pet the Goat” dance too.
Lol, now don’t get me wrong not every single person say these kind of stuff but I find it really depressing how its just becoming a trend. Pink lipstick is a trend not lets talk shit about brown kids or any other colored kids out there in the world. And Guys, brown parents don’t sit around all day making dhal and dance to punjabi music. We all sometimes go out and look for sales so if you ever go to the supermarket and see all the “SALE 25 CENTS” Bananas gone,and there is this loud, crowd filled with Desi Aunties then you know better than to go in there and try to buy a banana.
Alright so I talked about brown mothers and aunties so wassup with brown dads?
Besides cursing other divers out in a foreign language, brown dads are generally not as crazy as brown moms. REWIND! Who am I to judge? Brown dads are equally as crazy as brown moms. They just won’t always be complaining while making roti’s in the kitchen, they will probably be standing in the front door waiting for you.
First of all, brown dads are CRAY CRAY FOR EDUCATION. Shall we see an example?
*Me at home just came back from le school*
Dad: How was the math test?
Me: It was great! I got a 99%!
Dad: GREAT??! 99% IS GREAT? VERE IS THE OTHER ONE PERCENT?! WE NEED TO GET YOU A TUTOR RIGHT AWAY!
Me: …well the rest of the my day was great..also
-____- You see? We can’t blame them, its because they care and want ALL rights to brag about their kids. Which is nice to hear but hey you can’t always be the princess/prince in your lovely curry making castle.
Brown Dads are, well let’s say… stress more about their money more than their gray hair. Example:
*Familia going to le mall*
Me: OMG THIS SHIRT IS SO PRETTY AND ONLY 15 BUCKS HELL YEAH! Abbu/Baba can I buy it?!
Dad: No beta (brown way of saying honey, sweetie, son, daughter) its to expensive but did you see the shirts that are on sale for 50% off?
Me: The ugly two dollar ones? No.
Dad: Alright fine then *Goes on saying their dosh gunta (10 hour) speech saying how they never had such “high quality shirts” at their age* BUT! grab some we can gift them to your relatives back in Bangladesh.
Should we all remind ourselves about our future?
Me: Abu/Baba you know what I will be when I grow up?
Dad: Beta (brown way of saying honey, sweetie, son, daughter) you can be anything you want…doctor or engineer…maybe a lawyer but you don’t have that talent.
Me: Thanks for the heads up Abu.
And our biggest threat:
Dad: Listen don’t be hanging out with these black people. We don’t need our house robbed. And Beta, don’t you dare fall in love with some white girl/boy or black girl/boy. Desi boys are the best you will ever find.
Me: …anything else?
Dad: Arranged marriage is the best idea invented.
At end, well what you gonna do you gotta love these crazy, strict, annoying, loud, protective, lassie making, where was I again? Oh right, brown dads. If you have a brown dad admit its fun watching the stuff they do, uh hem cough cough curse out white people and they looking at your dad like what the…
But if you don’t, don’t worry if you ever meet one remember
haraam zatha, kuti, amar zutha ka and kanki
ARE NOT NICE AND COMPLIMENTING WORDS!
Okay so regular aunts will be like your second mom you know, invite you over, make delicious food and sometimes hang out with you.
Well in the brown world…
Your aunties are basically the FBI, you do one thing wrong and there for the rest of your life you will be eating jalebi’s and listening to chammak challo all alone. So this how desi aunties work, if one of your aunts sees you with some black guy on the street well congratulations, your mother and father are waiting at home to beat u with a laati,laati is a stick, it could be a roti roller, shoe, spoon, laddle anything that has a stick attached to it.
So I’m guessing, if your brown, you’re thinking of your aunt right now.It’s cool I got a crackhead aunt too.
Don’t get me wrong, even though aunties love GOSSIP and practically chew on anything they find embarrassing about you, but there are some to look out for example:
The Es-special Roti Maker: These are the sweet aunts who make the most delicious food,if you want to make sure you don’t get hit by a laati, don’t ever tell your mom you prefer your aunt’s food over hers!However these are the sneakiest ones, they will lure other aunties in their own sweet, rasmali ways…
The Stalkers: These are the fat aunties who always hang out with each other and are always on the look out for other brown kids on the street. These aunties are in fact the most dangerous, beware! They have might saw you making out with your boyfriend!!
The Desi Barbies….um fat barbies? These are the the desi aunties who will wear the most glamorous sarees, wear tons and tons of makeup and makes the worst CHAI EVER! Haha don’t get me wrong some of my barbie aunties do make good chai, but I rather shove roti and dhaal down my throat.
Well to conclude these are women that make up the brown generation! Remember guys beware of the stalkers! Have fun eating your es-special roti and never share a seat with one of the fat barbies.
Okay so if you’re brown you can totally relate, I mean we all have been there. Those terrible stomach aches and that shivering feeling you get when you have to go to two brown parties in one weekend! Now if you are not brown, then you must be wondering…WHATS THE BIG DEAL?!!!
The problem is, desi moms kind of overuse on something called…..oil.
Yes oil and spice, lots of lots of spice. Don’t get me wrong, I mean I love eating my mom’s food especially when guests come over, I get to eat es-special food =) But here are some tips and tactics when you come across a brown party…
First Stop: The Biryani/Curry section, you want to get a plate and spoons as you wait in a long line, if you are a badass desi, forget spoons and forks, you eat with your hands, like a boss in Asia of course.When you approach the rice and decide to skip white rice and go for the briyani, REMEMBER DON’T TAKE 45 CUPS OF RICE YOU ARE NOT BIG FOOT! Take some which should be less than 45 cups.
After the rice, you will try to reach for the curry which includes the meat. You will of course will try to take the whole entire plate full of it, I mean who can’t resist the devouring smell of curry and see the tray full of oil and meat? If you want to save yourself, please take a sample amount and make sure your aunt doesn’t give it too, if she does then don’t worry I got a backup plan.
Alright you got your briyani, curry, meat maybe some salad yup we eat salad with our curry and biryani <3Now halfway your briyani is getting messed up with the curry so now you have this big yellow and oily rice, watcha gonna do? And to top it all off, you aunt gave you more…
My backup plan, okay so you want to pass by the women section I mean, if your aunt sees you with your plate filled with food, you’re in deep shi….so quickly fake an excuse um I’m just going to get some more rice and curry. Now run, run to the nearest garbage bag you see, trust me in a brown house especially at a party there will be PLENTY! Now u dumped it all out, saved right? Now you can go ahead and get your cup of sodago for sprite or pebsi aka pepsi.However your dinner at 10 isn’t done, you can’t forget the jalebi’s or rasmalai can you?!!
I have discussed Brown Parties before and no its NOT THE SAME AS BROWN WEDDINGS. First of all, there is never the “biggest” brown wedding ever, because if one of my family members have a big wedding, the next cousins will have a bigger and then the next cousin will have even bigger and it goes on… The fact that I decided to write a whole new post about it should mean that there is something special about Brown Weddings. In the wedding you got two sides, one dedicated to the groom and one dedicated to the bride. Obviously the groom’s side is filled with MEN and the bride’s side with WOMEN! In brown weddings the groom and the bride, they. Don’t. Do. Much besides just sit there with fancy clothes and smile.In the wedding there lets say; rules, yes rules that should be followed and if not then congratulations you have or went to the most shameful wedding EVER!
Rule Number 1: Brides must be covered in gold BUT DOES NOT HAVE TO WEAR A RED SAREE! I know, I know that in typical happy bride pictures they are wearing red and red lipstick and red nail polish BUT NO I HAVE BEEN IN WEDDINGS WHERE THE BRIDE IS NOT WEARING RED! However the bride will be wearing gold, no sliver nope no sliver at all but gold =]
Rule Number 2: THE FOOD! There is a tradition where the groom shoves food, like something really, really sweet no not cake but like keer (rice pudding) anything that’s not normal you will see in American weddings. And the bride will shove food, the same in the grooms mouth. No, they don’t shove food in any other people’s mouth its just the bride and the groom.
Rule Number 3: Crying, its typical for women to cry I mean I cry for reasons you should not know. But there is this odd tradition where the bride breaks down crying and takes a HOUR to get in the dam car to go ride off at the groom’s house, YES THE BRIDES LEAVE AUTOMATICALLY TO THE GROOM’S HOUSE IN BROWN WEDDINGS!
The ever after now, while in the car of the groom and bride a band, A LOUD BAND and many of the crazies in the family will follow the car and makes sure who ever is in the village will know you went or there was a wedding you will not believe the amount of times when I was taking a nap in Bangladesh I will hear ” BALE BALE” in the middle of the street, its just …..
Moral of the story, I like brown weddings its something different, its really enjoyable and not formal and its just more than celebrating of two people its celebrating a whole new generation of people joining your family. NO MEN DO NOT WEAR LUNGIS TO WEDDINGS!
Whether your Bengali, Indian or Pakistani we can all relate to this. It’s summer and your dad just booked the cheapest air tickets to SOUTH ASIA! (India, Pakistan and Bangladesh) So here we go packing about 8 to 11 luggage FILL WITH shampoos, soaps and deodorant. Apparently these are gifts to our relatives who wants American shampoo, soup and deodorant because they carry supposed magic that can make you smell “American.” Also in addition to all these luggage, your relatives living in America seem to be a little bit more friendlier than before. Aah, the nice trick, you know when they become all close to you and then all of sudden gives like 20 pound of goodies to carry back to Asia? Yeah I know your mom and dad does it to, don’t worry!
So here I am in Bangladesh with my grandparents, did I tell you everyone in the neighborhood came by and kept staring at me? I’m. Not. An. Alien. On the other hand its actually great getting free pani puree’s (fuska) in every store I go but once they hear I’m from America suddenly the prices goes up…
Well, as my uncles try to bargain a 1,000 salaawar kameez for 500, I’ll be sitting on the chair uncomfortably, why? Because everyone found out I came from a foreign country so now they are looking at me, little children, women, men and a lot of creepy stalkers that are trying to hit on me.
And I swear the only “English” words they know is, how are you, yes, no and good. Every time some random guy comes up to me hes like “How are you”, and I will stare at him like an idiot and say “good, good.” I also hate it when they ask me to talk in English, like I don’t have that enough in school, you know back in “Ameriika”
Now after like two months of mosquito bites and curry, but I will miss daadi’s torkari, I get to finally GO TO AMERIIKA! Again 8 to 11 luggage but this time, donated half of my American clothes and packed some Desi sarees in and KABOOM more people from the village show up. Instead of your parents friends back in America I now have to deal with a whole generation of two families in front of the Airport. Thank God my mom packed some roti and bajee.
Awh, that wonderful moment when all your mom’s family, your dad’s family and a bunch of their “friends” come over to your house for a “party.” Don’t you love the devouring sweets each family brings? Listen I know you try to eat them when your mom brings them out and puts them on a fancy plate in front of the guests, don’t worry your not alone. While you eat those sweets and watch your mom give death stares, you find yourself in an awkward position when your. Just. The. Only. Oldest. One. There. At first its like whatever you know, getting all the attention on how much you grew and all those high grades you get, we all know how “well” you do in school. But, later you are forced to go to play with little brats and their sticky fingers. Now in a typical family, when your the oldest one, your basically their dictator, but in the brown world, its the complete opposite. Instead of asking someone older to buy you a pack of cigarettes, you are forced to go bring a bottle of soda and pour it in cups for each and one of those little pickers.
Anyways backing away from the children, the younger ones, and coming back to the adults. In the brown family jams, the house is in three parts, the kids, the women and the men. Forget the kids, I got them a bottle of soda and lets go to the women. Unlike the mens’ loud voices the hostess a.k.a my mother will open her closet, women hangs out in the bedroom, and out comes all her luxurious sarees. Sounds familiar girls? As the all the ladies go oo and aa, my mother will stand there proudly dictating the prices that, for some reason goes high to 2,000 dollars. Listen all brown girls, you know the actual price of those sarees so no hate, please.
The men on the other hand will argue whether its about the latest price in Best Buy or the current news in Bangladesh or any brown country, India or even Pakistan.
At the end, like about 10 , p.m everyone will start to eat “dinner” The smell of curry, rice, meat, chicken, fish and vegetables will start to enter each room. In addition to that, Bollywood or in the Bengali world Dollywood music will begin. After done eating “dinner” the women will take the empty containers from their purse and start to fight for the left overs, Did you ever fight for them? Later you will find your mom hiding all the sweets deep, deep inside the refrigerator. Perfect.
Lastly the farwell, please never come back.
Here I am, I got kicked out of the kitchen, did I tell you I have a Desi mother? I am inspired by mother’s words, translated “Get out of my kitchen, you keep putting to much garam masala in the CURRY!” -.- Well my day got better after hearing that so I decided to come here and write a post about why I love my mother. No seriously no matter how many times I tell her the chicken she cooked was still raw a little bit I realize after, she is my mother and I. Really. Can’t. Change. That. However, sometimes I think she goes a little over the top. For one thing, I AM NOT WEARING A SALWAAR KAMEEZ to graduation, like NO MOM I WILL BE THE ONLY FOB THERE! Wait a minute, my mom doesn’t know what fob is…It is someone who is Fresh Of the Boat. In other words, your some creepy foreign person. Now don’t get me wrong here, I love all the colorful salwaar kameez she gives me but apparently my body isn’t fit for a saree. I will not gain weight to be fit for a saree. If guys are reading this then, YES I DO HAVE CURVES LEAVE ME ALONE!
Everybody has issues, not drama-issues but like health issues, whether your arm or your leg hurts, my mother will say “Take a Tylenol.” …Mommy I really love you but “Tylenol” or what she says “Paracetamol” DOES NOT FIX EVERY ISSUE I GOT! Mom’s just like girls, GOSSIP like OH DEE! It will either be, supermarket sales, report card grades, husband’s family drama and saree prices. Yes I do eavesdrop over my my mom’s phone calls, is that a problem? Don’t worry, its totally cool to hear your mom brag about you on the phone but once that phone call ends there you go, “GO STUDY!” “I HEARD HOW SHE GOT A 100! GO BE LIKE HER!!” What happen to being yourself? Of course not all desi parents are like this, but if you happen to be a Desi, expect never to get the “talk” you know about love and drugs? Yeah that stuff, but anyways to end here, just to give advice to brown girls, NEVER PUT TOO MUCH GARAM MASALA IN THE CURRY!
This is my first post so please, be easy on me. Your probably wondering why I am talking like this like, is she really that lifeless? Yeah I am and I will write in way that my parents, walking and staring at this screen behind me will not be able to understand. As I am writing, I’m watching a Starplus show, Akon and the making of Ra-One with Shahrukh Khan and Kareena Kapoor. I’m watching it with my dad, which explains so much? Now he decided to make mango lassie, which surprisingly, taste so so so so GOOD =] Please guys I know your jealous of this =P. Anyways back to my typical brown family during Sundays, I will explain just exactly what we do. I basically sit around, watch foreign news, do math, mostly algebra and try singing chammak challo. Why am I here and writing this? Right because if I go on Facebook I will be bombarded with questions about whether or not I’m talking to a “male”, yeah mom, every guy I know happens to be my “boyfriend”, like please they are my “bhai friends” DUH! You know what? I’mma just go drink some of that lassi and listen to my dad’s Desi problems, hes on the phone with his sisters, SO MUCH GOSSIP TO HEAR!!